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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 5, 2012 10:30am-11:00am PST

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(cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> gender-neutral easy bake oven all because her little brother wanted one. because he likes to cook and he likes to bake but it's like they only have boys in the commercial so i want to play a little soundbite of tha captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captions ready to go captions ready to go
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captioning sponsored by captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ♪ ♪ (laughter) ♪ ♪ "the colbert report" the "the colbert report" ♪ (laughter) ♪ the "the colbert report" (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: welcome to the "report"! thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen! folks -- (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) folks, with an army like you behind me, i think we can storm the moranin. folks, it is night two of how about week or as they say in the black tong of mordor, tuesday. (laughter) i'm just enjoying some of the pipe weed that sir ian mckellan
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left in his dressing room. (laughter) pretty good. not as good as the stuff that willie nelson leaves behind. (laughter) still, wizardy weed is good for one thing. check this out. not bad, eh. save that for later. last night, gandalf the gray asked me to join him on the adventure and tonight it is the lead character of bilbo gag agains. martin freeman. how exciting, his father morgan must be so proud. (laughter) more on martin later but now, folks, i always go from the gut because my gut is the largest single organ in my body next to my balls. (laughter) sorry, prostate, maybe next
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exam. (laughter) but now scientists say that the older you get the less you can trust your gut. >> we all have a natural suspicion in our brains, right? it warns us when somebody's not trustworthy or trying to rip us off. you can feel it. but researchers say we get less skeptical as we get older. here's the bad news: it starts in your mid-50s. as we get older we lose the ability to determine who or what is untrustworthy. shelley taylor, the lead researcher says people basically as they age lose that gut feeling that, hey, something's wrong here. >> stephen: who who'd have thought that elderly fox news viewers would be more susceptible to misinformation. (cheers and applause) now, folks, my 50s are years and two years away. (laughter) but i want to protect myself against becoming gullible. fortunately a man on t.v. is selling me a miracle cure that
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will keep me young forever! it's called "andro gel and it's for treating something called low "t," a pharmaceutical company recognizing millions of men with low testosterone previously known as getting older. (laughter) this testosterone supplement was originally available in the near 1% concentration, or as i call it, man milk skim. (laughter) but last night when i was watching cnn's prime time lineup of ads for ensure and self-lubricating catheters -- (laughter) by the way, great way to deliver ensure right to the needed areas. (laughter) i heard the great news. >> presenting androgel 1.62%. it raises your testosterone levels and it's concentrated so you can use less gel. >> stephen: what an incredible break through! i don't know how it works or what it does but now i can use less of it!
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(laughter) the best part is this highly concentrated male sex hormone doesn't have one side effect it has dozens of them. >> serious side effects include worsening of enlarged prostate, increased risk of prostate cancer, lower sperm count, swelling of ankles, feet, or body. >> stephen: so, fellas, keep an eye out for any swelling here, here, or here. (laughter) and that is not all that it is doing for you. >> men with breast cancer or who have or might have prostate cancer and women who are and may become pregnant or are breast-feeding should not use it. >> stephen: so you're fine as long as you don't have cancer, will never get cancer, are not pregnant, might become pregnant, or came into this world via pregnancy. (laughter) folks, never doubt androgel's potency, because the side effects aren't just for you, they're for anyone near you!
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>> discontinue androjell and call your doctor if you see unexpected signs of early puber any a child or signs in woman which may include changes in body hair. >> stephen: now that sounds scary. that sounds scary but if your six-year-old girl gets too close to the androgel, don't worry, you haven't lost a daughter, you've gained a cousin it. (laughter) now because it's so powerful, the makers of androgel have produced a video to show you how to safely contain the hormone chernobyl that will be your bathroom. >> this is dave, he has hypogonadism. >> stephen: and that is one of the least popular forms of gonadism. (laughter) okay, got to do something about that. so what do you do, dave? >> i apply it early in the morn while everybody else is still sleeping. >> stephen: evidently you should apply it when your family is unconscious. you can't get them in their dreams but let me ask you, dave,
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what if i spill some? >> if any excess gel comes out when i'm priming i wash it away down the sink to avoid accidental exposure to others. >> i'll avoid exposing it to others by letting it flow into my town's water supply. (laughter) and we're done. >> once you finish applying it, i rinse down the bottle and wash my hands with soap and water. always be sure to rinse off the sink handles. >> stephen: okay, so i'll watch the androgel, then wash myself, then wash everything that washed everything else. (laughter) or -- you know what? it might be simpler to keep a bucket of french sink handles around. (laughter) but folks, say it's a small price to pay because now with the androgel, i'm all jacked and have the sex drive of a 25-year-old and i'm ready to thrill my wife. >> if a woman or child comes into contact with the application area, that area on
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the woman or child should be washed well with soap and water right away. >> stephen: okay, no contact with women. no big deal, as long as you're careful androgel can still be just the thing you and your lady need to rekindle that old fire in the bedroom. (laughter) but it's foreplay. foreplay. the point is this mass marketed easily spread endo cin toxin is now available in 1.6 20%. your balls will thank you for it. seriously. they may gain the power of speech. (laughter) but men aren't the only ones who need help in the hormone zone because according to the american psychiatric association 11% to 41% of women suffer from a condition known as female orgasmic disorder. you heard that right.
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11% to 41%. (laughter) so this is either very rare or completely normal. (laughter) the point is, where i am doing sex wrong. now, this orgasmic disorder is what i call low "o" trademarked. and, folks, this may come as a shock. but big pharma has a profitable answer for that, too. >> women who have trouble reaching orgasm during sex could soon get help, believe it or not from a nasal spray. >> they might also get help from that guy's mustache. (laughter) so what is this miracle product? >> it's called tesina. >> women would spray two pumps in each nostril about two hours before sex. it's expected to work for up to six hours. >> stephen: yes, it's good for up to six hours, although men are not. (laughter)
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so basically if a few minutes of intimacy followed by five and a half hours of highly erotic scrapbooking. (laughter) so just what's in there that's so good for women? >> it's a nasal gel that delivers a dose of testosterone directly to the brain. >> stephen: it's testosterone! so it's just androgel you shoot straight into your brain! so, ladies, don't be surprised if your pre-frontal lobe sprouts a handlebar mustache. (laughter) so get tefina, ladies. if you can't afford a prescription, just tell your husband not the rinse out the sink. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, if you watch this show you know i am a patriotic american who takes a moment each day to savor george washington handing the limemys their crumpets at yorktown! hay, brits, sit on this! so i mean it with every fiber of my irish being when i say kate is preggers. oh, my god! that's beautiful. you are my queen! (laughter) and the next six months are going to be so exciting.
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i wonder what they'll name it. if it's a boy will they go with arthur george edward william? because you can make a strong case for william arthur edward george. (laughter) so that might be a little too edgy. he'd get teased by his schoolmates slash subjects. if it's a girl they'd have to honor william's mother so she might be named princess diana (bleep) camilla. (laughter) of course (bleep), (bleep), (bleep) camilla. hope i'm pronouncing that correctly. of course even kate the great is only human and elegant angelic human whose effortless grace is a beacon to the world. (laughter) this is starting out as a bit of a bumpy ride. >> the duchess of cambridge is in this hospital still suffering from what we're told is acute morning sickness. >> it's morn like morning, noon, and night sickness. >> it's extreme vomiting during pregnancy. >> stephen: now this morning sickness probably means she'll
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restrict herself to a bland diet otherwise known as food in england. (laughter) well, as you know, folks, after a series of etiquette lessons with british royal observer hugo vicars, i was invited to will abdicate's gala wedding-- in the sense that they did not know i was hiding in the pipe organ. (laughter) well, folks, i have a treat for you tonight because thanks to my close personal relationship with the royal family i was able to score an exclusive phone call with the duchess of cambridge herself. please welcome kate middleton, everybody! (cheers and applause) welcome. welcome, duchess. it really is an honor. you are carrying the heir to the british throne. you must feel radient. >> (dry heaving) >> stephen: and i must ask-- and i hope this isn't out-of-bounds-- do you and will know yet if it's a little prince
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or princess. >> (vomiting) >> stephen: it's like a fairy tale tale! let's talk maternity fashions. who will you be wearing as you approach the big day? >> (violent vomiting and heavy breathing) >> stephen: i love the pageantry. well thank you for your time, your highness, kate middleton, everybody. (cheers and applause) she makes everything magical. (laughter) well, you heard it here, folks, this year's hot look will be dry heaving. and i for one cannot wait to get princess kate's commemorative barf bags. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back everybody. my guest tonight plays the titular role in the movie "the hobbit." please welcome martin freeman. (cheers and applause) hey martin, good to see you again. thank you so much. >> thank you. >> stephen: sit down, is this yours? >> no, it was placed there. >> stephen: well, let's get rid of that. it could be poisoned, we're in a fantasy world. thank you so much for coming on.
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>> thanks for having me. >> stephen: now you're bilbo. have you seen the films? because i have. >> i've seen it twice. >> stephen: well, you're one up on me. plus you're in it. >> i am in it. (laughter) >> stephen: you also -- you're also well known as tim from the original "office." (cheers and applause) and dr. wattson from "sherlock." (cheers and applause) and now bilbo. isn't that a burden that you are playing these iconic characters? did you ever feel like any one of them was going to trap you? >> i think i thought that about tim for a while. definitely, yeah. because for a few years that followed -- i mean, the thing is -- late me state for the record i'm proud of "the office," i'm proud of that part, i love the show. but for a few years i was wishing people would stop shouting "tim" at me in the street. >> stephen: they're going to shout bilbo at you." >> yeah. >> stephen: what part is there
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-- they say i'm not an actor, i don't know anything about actors. but you're an actor. is there some part of bilbo that has to be true to you? like what is your bilbo? >> my bilbo is -- it's kind of -- it's all of us. what i imagine or hope all of us to be, which is basically a peace-loving person who doesn't want trouble in his life who is wrenched out of his situation on to an adventure where he might have to kill or be killed. which i my most of us would be quite scared of. >> stephen: right, right. but in some ways you're kind of -- you went through sort of a bilbo experience with this film because you went down -- they already shot "lord of the rings >> is this poisond? >> stephen: i make no guarantees. (laughter) we'll see how the interview goes. (laughter) i went down there. >> i know you did. >> stephen: i went down last year. >> and i missed you. >> stephen: i know, just barely, like by a day. >> i think i was still on christmas -- or was it during
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--. >> stephen: it was summertime. (laughter) i believe christmas is in august >> i came back and my massage therapist angela said you had been -- (laughter) that's how i got down there. angela brought me a note on the hobbit stationery that said "come have fun." and did i. >> i heard you won a tolkien quiz against philippa, who is a big tolkien head. >> stephen: peter jackson came up me at a party from the dwars and he said there was going to be a geekoff. >> stephen: >> and you won. >> stephen: i did! i said to philippa right before i started i said prepare yourself because i am like an athlete who has trained his entire life for a race he never knew was coming. (laughter) but it's against you, baby. it was fantastic, she was gracious in defeat. now i -- i -- did you read the
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books growing up? because i'm a fanatic about "lord of the rings." >> i didn't. i became acquainted with middle effort as an adult in the runup to doing it. i knew the films. very, very much enjoyed the films, thought they were brilliant but i wasn't -- are you bored? >> no, not at all. not at all. i was just bringing up -- i was bringing you up here. >> stephen: oh, were you? because you didn't read the book as a child but you are a child's toy. that's you. (laughter) there's a lego you now. >> there is, but also if you turn his head there is a scared me. (laughter) that's me -- (laughter) >> stephen: fantastic. >> so that has as many facial actions as i have as martin in real life. it almost outacts me. >> stephen: it has your emotional range. >> the full a to b, yeah.
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>> stephen: but this is the level for fame. you're a very famous guy. >> we all know this, yes. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: but are you prepared for this kind of adulation and let's call it market penetration? >> that was one of the proudest days of my life. on the last day of shooting we were all given our own lego figures. it was great. that was honestly one of the highlights for me. the fact that i'm lego, jesus. (laughter) >> stephen: is there a lego legolas? (laughter) >> yes, but he's a legless lego legolas. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you and benedict cumberbatch who plays sherlock in "sherlock." have you started shooting the next season yet? >> no, we start in march. >> stephen: get on the stick,
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okay? some of us cannot wait for the rest of it. >> thanks. >> stephen: you're the main character of bilbo and he is the big special effect dragon. do you guys debate over who has the better part? (laughter) well, it's a very good part. >> stephen: drag gones are inherently sexy. >> hobbit cans hold their own. you're in rivendale, did you see that? >> it's beautiful. can i ask in? is this kosher? how did you get this? >> stephen: are you asking me whether i have violated international copyright infringement and should new line come after me in a lawsuit? >> in so many words. >> stephen: thank you for joining me. martin freeman. the movie is "the hobbit."
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